‘You want to raise children with vibrators in the closet?’

Efrat Eliezer Toledano is a religious sex counselor, couples therapist and owner of an online store selling pleasure products. For someone who grew up in a deeply religious, hardline religious-Zionist home, it was not an obvious path. “Eight or nine years ago, there was almost no discussion of healthy sexuality in our community,” said Toledano, 32, who is married, has two daughters and lives in Karnei Shomron. “It was taboo.” She felt there was an urgent need to normalize the subject and give couples a place where they could ask questions, understand their experiences and feel reassured. “There was no organized information,” she said. “People married young and arrived with fantasies, fears and a lack of knowledge. Sometimes there was no problem at all, but they thought there was because they did not know how things were supposed to look or feel.” Toledano realized that helping couples would require professional training. ‘Young or not, I needed to be there’ At 22, she enrolled in a sexual counseling program through a branch of the Open University. “I was the youngest student there,” she said. “But I told myself, ‘Young or not, I need to be here.’” Since completing her studies, she has worked in a private clinic, treating mainly ultra-Orthodox and religious couples, although secular clients also seek her help. She later founded Resisei Laila, or “Fragments of Night,” an online store selling intimacy and pleasure products. The business began in a side room in her home before moving online about a year later. “It started as a response to very specific needs I identified in the clinic,” she said. “Gradually, it expanded into a place focused on pleasure, connection and bringing something positive into a relationship.” Her store offers products for couples, items for foreplay, vibrators for women and men, oils and erotic literature. “There are people who are embarrassed to enter an ordinary store or even approach a shelf in a bookstore,” she said. “I offer it in an aesthetic, pleasant and clean way.” Her clients are not exclusively religious. “Secular people also buy from me,” she said. “Many people want to purchase something without entering a website that feels pornographic or uncomfortable.” ‘It does not replace love’ Products designed for couples are among her most popular items. “Couples like the feeling that it is something they are doing together, rather than something replacing one of them,” she said. That distinction, she added, is central to her work. “A product does not replace love, touch, connection or closeness,” she said. “It can add something, create excitement and open a conversation, but it does not take the place of a partner.” Toledano is not convinced that religious and secular couples necessarily face different sexual problems. The difference, she said, often lies in how much information is available and how comfortable people feel discussing the subject. “Among religious people, there is often a lack of basic knowledge and greater difficulty talking about it,” she said. “A woman may not speak to a friend or ask her mother, and then the fear grows inside her like a snowball.” Secular people generally have easier access to information, but that does not mean the information is accurate or healthy. “They may be flooded with information,” she said, “but they still deal with myths, shame and embarrassment.” Pornography, guilt and fear In her clinic, Toledano often encounters insecurity and the fear that something is fundamentally wrong. “I see a lot of anxiety around sexuality and a lot of concern that ‘something is wrong with me,’” she said. Among religious couples, pornography can become a particularly painful issue. “It is not only the act of watching it, but the meaning people give it,” she said. “The man may feel he has failed, hurt his wife or even betrayed her. The woman may feel he is replacing her.” Those feelings can produce severe relationship crises. “Sometimes my first task is simply to lower the stress, calm people down and open a conversation that is less frightened and more honest,” she said. ‘Vibrators in the closet?’ Her decision to enter the field was not immediately welcomed by everyone around her. “At first, it was not easy,” she said. “People raised their eyebrows to an unbelievable degree.” Some questioned whether her profession was compatible with motherhood and religious family life. “They said to me, ‘This is how you want to raise children, with vibrators in the closet?’” Her immediate family needed time to process her career choice, but ultimately embraced and supported her. “My husband was very supportive, even though it was embarrassing for him at first as well,” she said. Most people in her life have since grown accustomed to what she does. New acquaintances, however, often still react with surprise. “When I tell new people that I am a sex counselor and that I own a store, there is a moment of silence and their eyes widen,” she said. Despite the awkwardness, she insists on speaking openly. “I want people to know that it is normal,” she said. Bringing a product into the relationship For couples who are curious about trying a pleasure product but feel embarrassed, Toledano recommends beginning without assumptions or judgment. “Do not think it is deviant, that it means there is a problem or that it replaces someone,” she said. The decision should come through an open conversation between partners, rather than pressure or fear. “Approach it as a couple, through a good conversation and with the desire to add something positive,” she said. “When it is introduced respectfully, it can strengthen the shared experience.” Her broader advice is simple: nurture the relationship, and intimacy will have room to grow from within it.